The Plot
Nov.29, 12:01A.M. Location: Dingo Lair
Miranda: “Thoes Blawgswurth gurls werr wae oph baise mawking mye papp seshun in Vinnis. Ond theh haturs on Dell Fye arnt inny bettah. Eye blaim Whorelando four arl of thisce. Iph hee wusn’t soch a shyttie akter, thin meybe peeple wood beleave wee awr a reel cupple. Eyem sicc of arl there shytt! Eye knead two poosh the shewmanse arnvelope. Eye half gott two dew sumthink two lett thim no thatt eyem knot two bee pleyed whith!”
The dingho presses a number on her Blackberry’s speed dial and her eyes light up once she hears a groggy voice answer on the other end.
Male Voice: “Daily Tell-A-Lie, can I help you tell a lie today?”
Miranda: “Itt iss eye, Miranduh Kurr. Thee eegull hass flewn. Prentt the storie.”
Editor: “Are you sure? I thought he told you he’d marry you when pigs fly. Don’t look like the sky is shitting bacon to me!”
Miranda: “Jess prentt the damm storie! Doan’t worrie. Eye’ll handel himm.”
Editor: “Ok, I’ll get right on it.”
The Build Up
Nov. 30, 11:32A.M. Location: Los Angeles
Our favorite reluctant groom is fast asleep in a tangle of limbs. Limbs from some familiar friends, the Foxtails girls. The past few days have been really stressful for him, having to endure freezing his balls off and making out with his virulent girlfriend in a drug-induced state, all for the sake of being exploited in useless papparazzi photos funded by the PR department at David Jones. He slept soundly with a slight grin on his face, satisfied with the events from the night before. Suddenly he was awakened by the sound of his ringing Blackberry. He fumbles around for his phone before answering.
Whorely: *sheepishly* “Hello?”
Female Voice: “Either you housebreak that bitch or I’ll do it for you!”
Whorely: “Wah?”
Robin: “My phone has been ringing off the hook for the past 24 hours with members of the press asking me to grant them interviews with you to talk about your engagement to Hollywood Beard Barbie!”
Whorely: “SHE DID WHAT?!?! I never said…You don’t believe…I don’t even know her name!”
Robin: “Yeah, I tend to forget it, too. She’s about as forgettable as a block of soy “
Whorely: “You know what? The dingo has flown. Print the story.”
Robin: “The dingo flew where? What the hell are you talking about? Shut up asshole! I’ll handle this. You know, it really is tragic that you’ve never had an intelligent idea in that greasy little head of yours! I’ll call you once it’s done.”
Nov 30, 11:45 A.M. Location: Just Jared Headquarters
*phone rings*
Male Voice: “Hello?”
Robin: “Jared, this is Robin. The rumors are not true. He is not engaged. Print it! Now!”
Jared: “Who, Orlando?”
Robin: “Yes!”
Jared: “You mean he is not engaged to Miranda Kerr?”
Robin: “Who?”
Jared: “I’ll get on it right away!”
The Fallout
Nov 30, 11:59 AM Location: Wouldn’t You Like To Know
Akeelers is sitting at her lap top, wrapping up her Sunday morning routine of checking her emails and visiting her blogmates. The blogosphere has been abuzz lately with chatter of an engagement exclusive printed by the mouthpiece of choice for the dingho, the Sunday Telegraph. The only thing left to do was to check Just Jackasses for confirmation by “insiders” who post there to wind up the haters. Akeelers jumps up from her coach and bolts to her bathroom, screaming and laughing hysterically along the way. She emerges moments later, met with a confused look from her puppy, Max.
Akeelers: “What? Did I get any on you? Oh man! I’m gonna be so heated if I pissed my carpet.”
Akeelers approaches her laptop like a frightened stray approaching a gentle stranger. She is cautiously optimistic about what she just read but she wanted to be completely sure. She wipes the tears from her eyes and reads the story again. Sure enough, she reads the denial that OB’s publicist submitted to Just Jared.
Akeelers: “Since when did his people start caring about the dingho lying on him? That bitch lies in her sleep. Could it be that somebody fucked up by overreaching? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Akeelers regains her composure and starts reading all the comments pouring onto the thread. Just as sure as the haters were celebrating their good fortune…
the shippers were trying to save face by denying the dingho’s involvement with planting the rumor.
Back at the Dingo Lair…
Miranda: “Whorelando, KKKKNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOEEEEE!”
Carlii: Howe dew yoo wunt mee two handel thisce?”
Miranda: Eye doan’t kerr! Jess maike shore thay knoawe wier steal twogether!”
Nov 30, 3:15 PM Location: People Magazine Headquarters
*phone rings*
Carlii: “Thuh dengoe hass krashed! Prentt thuh storie!”
People Editor: “Who is this?”
Carlli: “Eyem Carlii Lying. Eye wurk fore Miranduh Kurr”
People Editor: ” You’re partly lying and you don’t care?”
Carlii: “Fukkitt, eats know yoose. Staned buy fore a faks. It wheel lett yoo knoawe jess whut two prentt.”
Later on that day…
Carlii: “Eats dunn. Eye thru evurywon off yore cent.”
Miranda: “Eat dozent materr. Theh haturs knoawe ond thatts whut materrs two mee. Half yew red Jess Jerred?”
The haters continued to gloat and mock the dingo. Some were rumored to have gotten arrested for disorderly conduct after their celebration parties spiraled out of control.
Carlii: “Okey, sow yew luked like ann asss in frunt off sum stewpid fangurls. Sew whut? Knowbodee ells evin knoaws hew yew awr. Truss mee, eye knoaw.”
Miranda: “Yore write! Wai worrey ayebowt thoes jellus fatt cowz wind eye kin when ovah theh ressed off theh minnie vann mahjoritey. Lett thim goah awn ond sell abrate beecos twomorrow is a knew daye! Thowse haturs woant no whut hitt thim!”
The End?
“I don’t even know her name!”
LOL!
Carlli: “Eyem Carlii Lying. Eye wurk fore Miranduh Kurr”
People Editor: ” You’re partly lying and you don’t care?”
I sprayed my drink at this point.
You are brilliant.
Thank you, thank you. I’m still giggling like a loon. It doesn’t get any better than illustrated dingoese. You made my day. Hell, you made my week!!
ah fuck me thats hilarious – you’ve made my day too – its the picture of teh fat jellus haterz celebrating that really got me, i’ve had a feeling thats what is going on over the world after the last few days – OMG, brilliant!!!
Dude, she’s really gonna kick your ass.
Do you think she is mad at Jared now?
Can’t wait to see how she tries to fix this – because you know she will try.
OOhhh, this is so sweet! I’m sure you have already seen this but just for posterity:
http://adage.com/globalideanetwork/post?article_id=132916
Where does all this brilliance come from? It seems as if Miranduh is good for something after all! Pure inspiration.
That party picture is so funny. When all of this is truly over, the secret Delphi society needs to meet in Vegas and have a convention. That’s exactly what it would look like!
The End???
Her mug is all over the latest Page Six magazine. Why? I cannot figure that one out.
Heeeeeeee
erjl.kgbvkdjxgbwekls.gbvldk.gb!!!
Awesome! She looks evil in that last picture, like she’s gonna rub her paws together evilly cause she has a plan.
Poor ‘lil dingo.
Hey ladymarmalade77, thanks for taking the time to read my blog and posting a link for your lj buddies to bask in my brilliance. I love free advertisement.
It’s too easy to accuse someone of jealousy when their train of thought doesn’t match yours. This is simply entertainment. The dingho’s aggressive famewhoring and noticeably slipshod saturation of the media has provided lots of fodder for comedy gold in Orlando’s dwindling fanbase. Comedy is really all we have since Orlando has a snowball’s chance in hell of actually releasing a project.
I promise you that I don’t log countless hours scouring the web to find threads to bash her or research this girl for material because it just falls in my lap every time I go to Just Jared. Can’t help it. She makes it too easy. I have the right to express myself on my blog just the same as you have the right to express your thought and ideas on your journal. Trying to form an angry mob to rise up against me won’t change a thing. Besides, anyone with half a brain can see that this is just for laughs and should not be taken seriously. Maybe that’s not an easy thing for those on the losing team.
Btw, if you take the time to navigate through some of my other posts, you’ll see that she’s not the only “celebrity” who gets called out for their antics.
Akeelers
hehe. Keep the laughs coming please.
cabbage for brains must go nuts that she gets called out so frequently.
I formally bow to Akeelers, she is brilliant!!! Hey if someone is dissing you, let us know, I still have a sack of doorknobs & my chainsaw is somewhere. Actually, everyone who posts on this blog should be doing stand-up on HBO. I have really laughed at loud here at some of the posts & that’s wayyyy unusual for me.
Sounds like someone’s begging for a starring role in my next exclusive interview….
I agree.
I cannot head “Lady Marmalade” without hearing Xtina’s voice in my head.
^ “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?”
[...] if Whorelando having to putting out that cold engagement denial in the first place was any indication of her media savvy skills, she need not get fired from [...]