I Can’t Wait For This Shyt To Be Over! November 3, 2008

Today I was reading in the news about all the desperate fuckery that a bunch of vigilante mavericks and other people with ass-like qualities were pulling to ensure a McCain upset during this election. Then I came across this video of some crazy conserva-slut who would only give Halloween candy to the children of McCain supporters and I blew a gasket!  She is lucky she doesn’t live in my neighborhood. The bad ass kids around here would have snatched that Delta Burke Collection Premium Wig off her conservative head and danced around the bonfire it burned in!  Bytch better count her blessings!  This election has been marred by so much silliness and pettiness that I really can’t wait for it to end.

In other news, Barack Obama’s nanna, Madelyn Dunham, passed away today in Hawaii after a long battle with cancer.  She was only a day away from seeing her grandson possibly become the first black president of the United States.  How sad. 

R.I.P. Madelyne Dunham

Miranda Kerr Should Take Notes September 26, 2008

DingHo slut!  Do you see this shiz?  How come Sacha Baron Cohen can find runway work but you’re limited to catwalking inside motorcycles shops?  While you were sharpening your claws against Whorely’s petriphied phoreskin, your boy Sacha was stomping the runway of Agatha Ruiz de la Prada, getting his sessy Zoolander on. It doesn’t matter if it’s not The Prada, your unemployed ass needs to get a job!  So what if he crashed the show while filming his mockumentary “Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Male“, it’s never stopped your dingho ass from showing up where you are not wanted before!  Your lazy arse needs to phollow suit!  We all know Whorely put a huge dent in your $3.5M networth with his gambling phuckery and you totes should have made him suck Johnny Depp off to pay him back, but since you have the brain function of a pot holder, I don’t expect your business decisions to be any smarter.  Your stupid arse could have been “living the life”, swimming in the millions made off of a WhoreDepp sess tape, and possibly made peace with all of us irate TypHos by supplying us with free copies, but that will never happen!  Look cabbage, I know that you career is pretty much at a standstill because you can only take porny pictures and your dropping jawline makes you resemble Fred Mertz from I Love Lucy, but you can’t just not work!  If you want people to know there’s dingho steak for dinner, then they need to hear it sizzle!

Seeing Stars September 12, 2008

If you didn’t already know, Kanye West was the latest celebrity arrested yesterday after he and his bodyguard trashed some pesky photog’s camera at LAX. He  and his bodyguard were booked on suspicion of vandalism and they were shortly released on $20K bond.  Luckily for Kanye, he might beat the charges but his body guard might not since witnesses say Kany-eezy trashed the light unit of the camera while his bodyguard trashed the actual camera.  Sucks to be the help.

It’s no secret that a majority of the celebrity photos we view have been taken at the behest of pugnacious publicists and enterprising managers.  Many celebrities have been accused of using the media to stay relevant to their fans when their talents were not enough to sustain them in the public eye (I’m looking at you, Bloomiston) and the celebrities who tend to dominate the Hollywood hierarchy are ultimately the mavericks of media play.

Having said that, what’s the deal with the sudden rash of paparazzi beatdowns?  Are we really supposed to believe that these celebrities are genuinely flustered by the paparazzi presence?  That they are unknowingly being fed to the media hounds by the people behind the scenes pulling the strings? Sure, sometimes celebrities are actually caught off guard when they least expect it, but is their buffoonery justified?   Whatever their reasons, it’s funny to see our favorite celebrities loose their shite and put the smack down on some unsuspecting sod being paid to stalk them.  Here are a few of my fave pap beatdowns of all time:

Woody Harrelson doing his best Jason Statham impression

Hobby Horse Miller: " That's not Valtrex! That's plant food for my "bouquet!"

Hugh Grant after some ho laughed at his beans and franks

Lilly Allen: "This town needs an enema!"

Chris Martin: "Coldplay doesn't suck!"

Amy Wine Cellar"Give Me Crack!"

Britney Spears as Mary Poppins

The mother of all beatdowns: