Girls, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m starting to feel bad for the dingho. She sent an email to me, of all people, asking for my help. I’ve never been one to turn away those in need so I’m gonna be nice just this once to her and try to help her out of her ordeal.
Dier Ehkiehlers,
Awl teh haturs r larfing et mee. Thay sed eye wood pool en empromptwo pap seshun out of mai arsse scents mai lovah embarrisced mee buy knot shewing up to teh Vicktoriuh’s Seecrit Fashuhn Showe. End thay wurr wryte. Eyem sow predicktabel! His exkoose thist thyme: Hee hat two wurk. Yeh wryte! Leyke hee wheel evah fined wurk in Hollywood agayne! Eyem att mye withs ind! Eye half frantikley surched four a soloo, solew, anseurr bekuss eye half a filling hee wheel dew thisce two mee agayne. Whut shood eye dew? Halp mee, Ehkielers!
-Ashaimed in Vinnis
Dear Ashaimed (sp?),
I’m sorry your phake boyfriend was an entire continent away on Alessandra and Adrianna’s your big night. There’s no excuse he can give you that an eight-ball won’t clear up. Obviously you have no friends because you’re sleazy, and nobody wants to hang out with someone who has a phace resembling a deep-fried gourd, so let me give a little advice to you:
"Mirandingo,my lips are chapped. Come, let me kiss your greasy face!"
Step 1. KILL URSELF RIGHT NOW!!! You’ve lived the life that other dingos could only dream of. You’ve achieved mediocrity by posing on the covers of countless frat boy skin mags, you’ve shagged a Greek shipping heir, an estranged, broke ass oily heir, and an elf with a head made out of air. You can also catch your tail when you chase it. Yet with all your achievements, no one still knows who you are except us. Why not go out at the peak of the plateau that has become your life by jumping off a cliff? Or if you like, I can take you camping during open season. You can even stay in the tent while I go hunting for our supper. If anyone deserves to go out with a bang, it’s you.
I have a feeling you won’t like step 1, so let’s move on to Step 2.
"Dear Gawd, woman! Have you been licking your own ass again?"
Step 2. Lose the handbag because he’s slowly becoming luggage. Your ghey little fanny pack stopped being a challenge and started becoming a problem when he refused to let you pimp him out for work. If the paps aren’t there to photograph the two of you, then you don’t exist. It’s rule numero uno in “D List Guide To Famewhoring and Other Concepts of Bearding“. If he can’t show up when it counts, then tell him he can shove his I.O.U.’s up his “A” double “S”! Imagine how happy you’ll be when all of the fan girls stop comparing you to vegetables and carnivorous animals.
Miranda: "Yey! Eye kin poot thisce awn mye Faiscebuk!" Orlando: "Yeah, I'd like to throw your face into a book!"
Step 3. Invest Smartly. You made the fatal mistake of riding the coattails of someone who has peaked years ago and is now living on a memory of hot. You’re in the same boat, but since you’re the one trying to get your leafy visage plastered all over every media outlet available, you need to act quickly before your face starts to hang like a weeping willow. If you want to see a big return, then you need to invest in some prime real estate. You need someone who’s hot property right now but has potential for longevity, like zAck Efron, Ed Westwick, James FrancHo, Daniel Craig, Seth Rogen, and if you think you can survive a vehicle rollover, Shia La Douche. My Barnesy is off limits! And RPattz is growing on me, so don’t you even think about it!
I really don’t know what else to tell you but option one is your best bet. Good luck and good riddance!
There once was a lady called Miranda
Who looked as cute as a panda
I want to kiss her sexy a$$
And shag her in the grass
While filming her and Orlanda
That’s our Randa! Inciting threesomes, one hater at a time. Meanwhile the Delphi slags have experienced an epiphany of sorts via one of Miranda’s cryptic messages on her fan site and are seeking spiritual enlightenment through the Pantied One:
–I, too, have been feeling the same way, slapparr. I just haven’t been able to fully comprehend and appreciate Miranda’s magnificence so I have bashed her and her beautiful relationship with Orlando instead.
Now, I must repent these evil sins and convert back to Christianity.
–i feel a warm glow coming across the internet – welcome back to the light Icarus, may you never stray again from its comforting embrace.
In a few minutes you will find the contradiction in your heart will achieve an inner sense of calm and you will be at one with your surroundings, knowing that your sins against miranda and her guidance in your life have been forgiven….
come fellow delphiers… we must see the error of our ways, join us!
I heart you girls!